Tuesday, February 19, 2008
why do i do what i do, what motivates me. i think if i look back at most of my actions, the big ones are motivated because of rather stupid reasons. mostly i am motivated by popularity, and the acquiring of friends. i am thinking about my trip around the world and wondering what exactly my motivations are, i dont think that its to make friendships, but i do think i am partly doing it for the esteem of others, as well as braging rights of "hey i did this". i am not sure if someone can do something out of a pure motivation. i think because we are all basicly selfish deep down everything we do will on some level, no matter how selfless, will be on some level for our own gratification.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
i was 15, i didn’t take drivers ed. i rationalized this by saying i couldn’t be bothered i was too busy, i was scared of failing the tests. i was sixteen i took the class, i took the tests, i failed em. i didn’t complete the course, i was ashamed. im a smart kid probably smarter then most kids, but i am an utter fool, i was lazy in school, if i didn’t get the homework at first glance i wouldn’t do it. my grades suffered and subsequently i almost didn’t pass high school. i got my act together and passed just barely, but i passed. i didn’t like school so i took two years off, all my friends went to college. i am stuck behind once again not in school another quarter thrown away because i was lazy and didn’t sign up for class's. its an abysmal feeling knowing that in june 2009 my friends will be beginning their lives and im still struggling like i was when i was 15. i wish i could do it again and relive my life, do well in school not be afraid of rejection or even failure, i wish i knew failure was a part of life and not something to be feared. socrates said "know thy self" and i know i am still afraid of failure. i need to go to school i dont want to be stuck in it till i am 25 but that appears to be the case, my brother is right i need to go to school. a date has been set for the world tour january 2010 and danie collins is officially going. i need to be working to save money but i also need to be in school. my plan is to be in school full time and work full time for the next two years. i think of myself as rather industrious, however i am truly rather lazy. its time to stop acting like the 15 year old alex and start acting like a 21 year old alex.